madness, she wrote
Dear God,

What happened? Why did i suddenly go crazy? Did i do anything wrong? Is this my cross to carry? WHy am i over sensitive? I'm hurting like crazy. Please talk to me and comfort me. Make my tears go away and dry them. Help me not to be so sad so often. Please give me your joy and your peace, and let me feel your love. Oh God, where did i all go wrong? Why is it that i don't remember a specific and substantial part of my life where i was truly happy. I hate my parents for having so many kids. I didn't have a happy childhood. I remember the fighting for attention, the noisiness, the squeezeness, the fighting, competition and rivalry, and a lot of unhappiness. My only happiness then came from my frens. I felt so starved. God, where did it all go? I can only remember unhappy birthdays. I don't remember happy ones. I remember when i started going mad--- 1st in pri 4, then in sec 2. Ands this madness seems to be unending and everchanging. OCD, anorexia, bulimia, compulsive eating, schizophrenia, depression and now, bipolar. God, please, tell me what's causing this. Is this craziness also responsible for my genius? If the craziness go, will my intellect and wit go too? Jesus God, take my life. Please.

Gail.
- posted by gail @ 10:56 AM 0 comments

 
My 19th bday
Shan planned a bday party for me, and roped joseph in to help too. Wilbur was invited and so was kiong, but kiong couldn't make it in the end cos his uncle had died, but on the phone, he told me that he had become a colonel.

Kiong:

"You know hor, i have been promoted to a colonel liao."

Gail:

"How come?"

Kiong:

"Oh, cos my upper study lost this document signed by this colonel, and then he gave me a piece of paper and a copy of the colonel's signature, and said, you see hor, this is the colonel's signature hor, and after 5 mins, i miraculously produced the document liao. Haha."

Gail:

"Haha. Good, when we meet up, you can tell us more jokes."

Kiong:

"Yup, can can, cos i think i've just become farnie again."

Darling and me went to church, and Rev Michael Tan was not as boring--- this is his 2nd time he was not so boring. We had lunch at Han's--- beef spaghetti, grilled fish set lunch for darling and sirloin steak (well done) for me. Then we took a bus home and stopped at holland village to get wilbur's and kiong's present--- a mango scrub from The Body Shop for kiong, and a water tumbler from starbucks for wilbur. Then we went home, and darling took a nap while i did some errands. Then i wanted to sleep but wilbur came liao, and he tuned my cello and 1 string broke--- the A string. Then shan came and we watched super size me, eating a lot of yoghurt and some snacks. Then we had dinner of zhi cha and chicken curry and then went back to watching the show. Wilbur had to leave soon, so we ate the durians he bought so he could have some before he left. Then we watched bowling for columbine, which was very funny. Wilbur went home, and i sent him downstairs, and wished him a Merry Christmas and thanked him for coming (the usual polite thing to do). Then me, darling and shan packed up and went upstairs. I had diarrhoea. After that i bathed and then shan bathed and next was darling. We watched bowling for columbine from the beginning cos i missed out on some parts. Shan slept and i woke her up at the end of the show. and snacked on durians, shan and mum's egg sandwiches and hotdogs, and more yoghurt. Then we watched men in black 2, and shan slept again cos she was tired, so she decided to go back to our room for the night--- joel's room (por por and sue slept in john's house)--- while me and darling continued to watch. After the show, darling gave me my present which was the Eloise book! Then we all slept. Darling woke me up at 8.30am to go to the zoo, but we decided not to go cos we wanted to sleep. Shan had to go home to help out her music teacher, and i went down w her to wait for her dad to fetch her. I went back up to sleep and woke up only at 2.30pm. I went to wake darling up too, and i snuggled w him until he finally got up. Haha--- darling's eyes look v funny and cute when he just wakes up. Hee. He looks a bit like elmo punk when she just wakes up ie blur. Then we watched eternal sunshine of the spotless mind and david joined along. Then we had to go get ready for my dinner at punggol seafood restaurant. John called his mum's hp and wished me happy bday. That was very nice of him. Dinner was funny w a lot of racist jokes, and with a lot of lovely nice crabs and other seafood--- never seen crab pincers as large as those here! Bigger than the small plate given. Harold gave me flowers, and aunty waihar asked joseph if he gaved me flowers. Joseph: "No, i give her other things". Then mummy dropped me and joseph home 1st, and he went to poop (eats a lot poops a lot, darling ALWAYS needs to poop after a meal). Then when everyone came home, we went to cut the cake, which had to be done fast w/o aunty may cos mummy lighted the candles too early and/or the boys and aunty may came back too late, cos mummy thought she saw them behind her when daddy was driving. After cake cutting, everyone sat down to talk a little--- rawther, me darling, mummy, daddy, aunty may and sze liang. Aunty nora and sue had cake too. Darling cut the cake for everyone and impressed aunty may and my mum, when he only cut a mere 2 slices and those were not well cut either. I told the pple there that darling's nose was fake cos it had undergone plastic surgery and my dad chuckled and aunty may was shocked. Sze liang asked if it was true. Then darling and me coloured some pictures in the eloise book and wrote a card and packed an ang pao ($50) for por por. Darling doesn't know how to write teng (love in chinese). Tsk tsk. Considering he took higher chinese and his dad is a chinese tuition teacher, it's very very bad. He stayed around looking at our past photos together, until it was past midnight and we both wished por por happy bday. Then my bday was over and it was porpor's turn.

My bday was perfect, just as darling promised. The 1st perfect bday in 7 years. Note: by perfect, i mean that nothing terrible happened.
- posted by gail @ 9:40 AM 0 comments

 

darling and me when it just turned 12am, heralding the start of my bday. This is the book darling bought for me. He coloured it cos he said i added colour to his life and am a colourful person, but he didn't finish colouring it, cos he had to spend a lot of time taking care of me and was very very busy
 
- posted by gail @ 9:39 AM 0 comments

 
The hip list and other adventures in style
Shops for jeans:

1. blackjack: count on trendy and extremely flattering denims from premium brands such as seven for all mankind, citizens of humanity, james jeans, joe's jeans, hoogan jeans, paper denim and cloth, chip and pepper etc. For those with cash to splash.

2. topshop: a smaller range, but their jeans are still flattering. Chic and cheap(er)
styles include their jet, ella and spike collections--- just the right amount of stretch to ensure sexiness and comfort.

3. polo jeans co: excellent washes, and a not too bad fit. Their bootleg styles are the best.

4. fcuk: usually realiable for classic washes in flattering cuts. Go for their bootflare styles, their me julie jeans, and their fc love denim jeans. Petite girls might like their narrow bootcuts.

5. The denim bar at ck tangs level 3: my recommendations are the blues from vicious threads and grab jeans. They get a nod for good variety in styles and pricing. Lower budget ranges include peace angel and lee jeans. For mid price they have fcuk and levis. Upper ended ones include grab jeans, vicious threads and g-star raw. Worth a look.

6. Dorothy perkins: cheap and chic. Nice dark washes in slimming cuts with stretchiness for comfort.

7. Forever 21: new to singapore, this fashion chain retails cheap denim (a large selection priced at $48!), with flattering cuts. The washes are a bit grainy though.

8. Fox: good cuts, but their washes are more of a hit and miss. Still worth a look though for it's relatively low prices.

9. Retail Therapy: stocks the flattering but expensive AG jeans and kasil jeans. However, they don't bring in many pieces at 1 time, so ask the sales assistants on when their new stocks come and buy fast to avoid disappointment.

10. Marks and Spencers: for curvier girls, this store is a good bet with nice stretchy jeans with good fits and washes.

Pants:

1. Esprit: Soft and with a wide variety of fits, colours and styles. Good for petite girls.

2. Fox: from cargos to trousers, the designers here have done it right. Funky and flattering.

3. topshop: good cargos, twills and formal pants. Large variety and up to the minute in following fashion trends.

4. fcuk: reliable fit and colour. They have flattery to an art.

5. zara: nice selection of coudroys for the season, and a large variety of pants for every budget.

6. armani exchange: their pants range from classy to funky, but always chic.

7. tommy hilfiger and tommy jeans: the earlier is better for more mature and classier dressers, while the latter for more youthful ones. Nevertheless, they both specialise in preppy chic. Check out their khakis for a hip yet smart fit.

8. British india: nobody does ethnic-classy-comfy like they do.

9. U2: they earn points for their value-for-money trousers in neutral tones.

Tees:

1. Fossil: good fit, cute logos

2. fcuk: cheeky, trendy, and plain pretty

3. armani exchange: trendy designs and good fit, but note that the material of the tee might be a tad too thin

3. surfbay: check out their selection of can't-go-wrong, chirpy, happy tees

4. guess: again, good fit and cute logos

5. the heeren and far east plaza: a treasure trove of little boutiques, most of them hawking funky tees

6. zara, u2, giordano and topshopg: they score points for their plain tees in a wide variety of colours

7.country road: a little upmarket, but their pastels and softness make it worth a look

8. hula and co, and peaches and cream: nice vintage-y tees, but the material's a leetle thin

I'm a little tired now, and i'm celebrating my bday w my frens later on, so i think i'll go sleep and finish it another time. Ciao.

- posted by gail @ 10:43 AM 0 comments

 
Yesterday darling and i went to the night safari and it was reawlly reawlly nice! The otters were very fun and there were 3 of them all squeaking and opening their mouths for food. Then darling frightened away some deer when i asked if he could reach them. It was eventful and fun. Praise God it didn't rain though, if not it would not have been so enjoyable. Basically, it was as follows:

- met at the mrt (took a cab cos was a leetle late)
- took a cab (the other cabbie was changing shift so couldn't fetch us to the zoo)to the night safari. Darling looked really really nice and distinguished in a white cottonish linenish button down and khaki trousers. cab ride was nice and cozy, as things w darling usually are.
- had ben and jerry's at the zoo. YAY! darling had cookies and cream, i had vanilla
- went for the tram ride at the night safari. this boy w an american accent overheard me saying that the darkness was creepy and was appalled. "creepy?! this is NOT creepy!"
- walked around on the leopard trail. i screamed a lot cos i was scared that some fugly creepy crawly would land on me since it was so dark and jungle-y. grabbed darling reawlly reawlly tight cos was... you know... scared.
- went back on the 2nd part of the tram ride. v poor thing, a lot of creatures are facing extinction. only 200 lions and 500 tigers left in the wild. In the 1800s, there were 8 species on tigers, now only 5 are left--- the summatran, javanese and caspian tigers are all dead. so sad. then the ranger told us that in the 1950s, 15% of the earth's surface was covered in rainforests, but now, only 6% is and that if people are not careful, there might not have any more natural resources left in 100 years time. He gave this eg--- it takes 3 lions to make 1 fur coat, but only 1 selfish individual to buy it. also found out that the dung of elephants (250kg a day) is used to make... PAPER. (student holds up paper: "it smells like shit". fren: "it IS shit")
- had dinner at bongo burgers by candlelight
- watched the creatures of the night show. super nice! the otters v cute, also the er... civet cat (i think that's its name). The civet cat has cutey little paws and has a sharp nose for smelling grapes :D and the otters can put stuff in recyling bins.
- went to the giants of the forest trail and the fishing cat trail
- walked around at the zoo shop
- went home

darling looks v professional and big-shot like when he listens to his hp while walking around the night safari. haha.

And i hate his stupid hall. nvm. bleah.
- posted by gail @ 7:33 AM 0 comments

 

today was john's bday--- 11th dec, and the start of the bday's in the family. 1st john, then sue's, (then andrew's but he's not counted) then mine, then porpor's, then Jesus', then david 
- posted by gail @ 6:37 AM 0 comments

 

haha, darling likes this pic, cos it looks like an old man young girl combi. darling in his late 20s (24) and me am in my teens (14-18) haha. usually we stick to the 24-18 age gap. 
- posted by gail @ 10:35 AM 0 comments

 

similar picture. today we looked nice in the photos, which is rare. neither of us are very photogenic 
- posted by gail @ 10:33 AM 0 comments

 

darling busy w himself and the digi cam 
- posted by gail @ 10:30 AM 0 comments

 

darling wore this really nice shirt and smelt really nice. His shirt made him look v old, so we got a couple of stares from this man who stood behind us on the escalator at wheelock place cos we looked like an older man-younger girl pairing 
- posted by gail @ 10:28 AM 0 comments

 

this is darling and me again 
- posted by gail @ 10:27 AM 0 comments

 

darling and me at paragon 
- posted by gail @ 10:25 AM 0 comments

 

darling on my bed  
- posted by gail @ 10:23 AM 0 comments

 

darling loves loves loves taking pictures of himself. he does it ALL the time. 
- posted by gail @ 10:19 AM 0 comments

 
So this is where it all ends. First the bad dream, next the confirmation that he can't leave, and why can't he? It's not so important, he can fake an injury, there will be someone eager for hall points who might could take his place. I hate it all. So i shall just move on, and maybe take a flight to somewhere to ease my mood, and when school starts, look again. This is what i want:

1. must be old and mature
2. can spend time with me and look after me
3 is nice to me, loves me and is sensitive to my needs
4. doesnt want kids
5. doesnt mind having a cat

That's all. Ben will be back, there's also jacky and hamilton? Dunno. Dun care. I've stopped caring. I just want this hurting feeling to go away, this pain and sadness. I just want to be happy this holiday season.

Maybe joseph and I are not "meant to be", if such a thing actually exists.

1. he molested me
2. he suggested going out to some other girl's party on my birthday
3. he can't even give up something so simple for me, even though he claims to give me anything i want all the time
4. the last time we used to fight a lot everytime before going out on fridays

I hate him. For breaking his promise that he can give me anything i want. For promising to leave hall and not leaving in the end.

- posted by gail @ 7:29 AM 0 comments

 
I'm very sad. Darling is involved in a stupid hall production. And i hate it hate it hate it. I hate his hall. I really don't like it. It has NO air con. It takes up a lot of his time, which could be spent with me and I was molested there by him, so the place has bad memories, even though i have forgiven darling for that mistake. I also don't like the fact that it's so far from everything. And i want him to leave the hall asap. Then that production is dumb, cos darling can't dance, cos he looks like an old man doing a young man's moves, and it's stupid. I hate it hate it hate it, and i want to cry, and everyone's sleeping. Shan is and gilbert is. I hate it hate it hate it. Stupid hall. I hate everything about it. It's yucky and evil and a lot of bad things happened there. And i just wish joseph would quit it, and just leave all the bad stuff from there. Oh God help. What am i to do. Dear God, pls help me, and guide me. I don't know anything and i need you so very very bad. I'm so so sad. God pls help. Give me your joy pls. Me gail here is so very very sad. I don't like that stupid yucky no good ne'er do well hall. Good think elmo punk is back here, not in that evil hall. Maybe that's why she was acting weird, cos the hall is evil. Hammy is happy here and she hasn't shown any signs of weird symptoms. The hall is bad bad bad. I hate that place. Don't like going there. It's yucky bad and evil and i hate hate hate it. And that place takes joseph away from me--- his production, his activities--- and they make him do weird things like rugby and dancing, and that place made him do a terrible thing. Haiz. Why couldn't he just stay at home. Homes are safe and nice (most of the time), and his home is nice.

- posted by gail @ 10:16 AM 0 comments

 

darling again. 
- posted by gail @ 10:42 AM 0 comments

 

this is darling at spinelli's drinking a cookie spin and reading a magazine. darling has a very long face and looks very old.  
- posted by gail @ 10:41 AM 0 comments

 

hadi shan and darling. he always has to look weird in photos. he just likes it. i deleted 2 other pics i took cos he did something weird w his nose and something weird w his eyes. i have become the board of censors rolled into 1. 
- posted by gail @ 10:40 AM 0 comments

 

hadi shan and me at the benches on level 2 at wheelock place. we went out today w wilbur and joseph to hard rock cafe, but wilbur went home early and joseph is taking the picture. 
- posted by gail @ 10:39 AM 0 comments

 

my baptism membership class group. Went for this course so i could be a member of wesley before Christmas :D 
- posted by gail @ 10:38 AM 0 comments

 

i like this cos i have a guide to life too! But mainly, it's the Bible (God's word is very very important and pple need to live by it) and some good fashion sense. Hee. 
- posted by gail @ 10:08 AM 0 comments

 

this is like me sometimes, when i'm being noisy and like yelling about. hahahahahahah. gail rocks. then i'll jump and run around like a puppy, and give darling a big hug. i love darling very very much. 
- posted by gail @ 10:06 AM 0 comments

 

this is eloise at the sweets shop. I love candies and sweet stuff too. And i like to lean on top of the counter if i can't see, though darling doesnt have too cos he's tall. Darling doesnt like me to eat a lot of sweets, so we have a tug-of-war at the candy store cos he thinks sweets are bad bad BAD and they make me hyper and bad tempered. Chocolates and icecreams are even worse cos they trigger my schiozphrenia. Darling thinks i should eat healthy, and am only allowed milky stuff once a week. 
- posted by gail @ 10:04 AM 0 comments

 

this is eloise and her nanny. my nanny is mr b. he gives good advice (most of the time) and is good at taking care of me. And he's protective and caring--- i think.  
- posted by gail @ 10:02 AM 0 comments

 

my favourite girl. eloise. darling says i'm like her. i think so too. 
- posted by gail @ 10:00 AM 0 comments

 

wilbur me and shan on wilbur's bday 
- posted by gail @ 9:51 AM 0 comments

 

me and darling 
- posted by gail @ 9:49 AM 0 comments