Sunday, July 24, 2005
Porpor and me! I love this woman! She brought me up and i am forever in awe of her brilliance, wisdom and love.
Came out of the bathroom and spotted harold sitting in a huge armchair, surrounded by little kids, and drinking a cup of tea. More english than the english at his lovely young age--- remember the bow ties at age 2 that he loved? :)
It has been ages since i've written here. Today's the 25th of july, and the last time i've posted was the 11th, just before camp, just before the heartbreaks began. And yesterday, i've had another one, feeling extremely cheated and lied to by jo, and i'm now wondering about our relationship. When we got back together after the 1st heartbreak, i had a funny feeling, the sort you get when something doesn't feel too right, and i thought it meant that we weren't supposed to get back together, but then later after consultations, it sorta seemed that going back together was the alright, that it was blessed by God. Now, i'm not so sure.
My dad wants me to break up. He wants me to start "looking around". But i love jo, and i haven't the energies to start playing the field again, plus there's no one i feel like playing with, granted that all the guys i had crushes on, suddenly they stopped being interesting or became seemingly impossible to get along with.
We've started on the relationship workbook recommended to us by pastor daniel, and it seemed like a good place to start, but i wonder if it'll be the end of us, when we've realised that it's impossible for us to be together. Then there's jo's blog, which he's put up at my suggestion, so that i can understand him more, where he's coming from. Jo says that we can work at our relationship--- there's no such thing as meant for each other or not, ours is there for the taking, provided you work for it. I disagree. There are couples who love each other, work on their relationship real hard, and still cmi, and then they think it's the lack of work, but it isn't. It's just them. And i've watched enough movies, true life stories? etc to know that what i've just written about exists.
Jo wrote about freedom in his blog. Does it mean that our relationship is stifling him? Might be. I'm wondering if i'm happy about it anymore. Jo just seems so unhappy about everything, and i dunno how to help. Granted some of it was caused directly by me, but in my defence, it was caused he hurt me so bad--- i had never felt so lied to and cheated--- and i did horrid horrid things, but there are yet others he seems unhappy about that isn't my fault. But there are others that are more subtle, and not caused by me, and he seems unhappy about. The class difference, the western vs chinese culture, the fact that i don't really like his parents. It just comes streaming back to the both of us, and i wonder 1. can all those relationship couselling and help actually eliminate it or lessen it to a huge extent and 2. is it worth all the work, or should i go for someone else that comes from the same background as i do so that getting along isn't so tough.
Min says people usually write in their blog when they're at their saddest, and looking at what i've written so far, it might be true. I went out with her for a classical indian music concert last night. An extremely exerience, with us being 2 of the 3 chinese that I saw throughout the whole thing, and us being the 2 out of those 3 chinese that fell asleep during the concert. Hehehe. And the indian lady next to min GLARED at us. Seriously mdam, we're not insulting the music, if anything, we're applauding it for its soothing ability, a trait so potent that it makes us want to sleep.
As of now, i miss tubby hubby aka scratchymo aka jomo, and i miss the times when we were so happy. Like at borders where when we were reading magazines, i chanced upon the "is he a good boyfriend" test, and asked him aloud "hmm... let's see if you're a good boyfriend", much to the amusement of the lady sitting next to me; those days where we would watch vc/dv ds at my house, those 2 hours wraptured in the movie and in each other's presence; the times where he stays overnight, and we have late night suppers and he's tired whilst i'm still bouncy and full of life; hanging around holland v together, doing huge makan sprees, and him staying overnight; and of course, the many interesting events we do together--- my crashing his nus global education convention dinner, exploring new areas together e.g chip bee gardens, the riverboat ride, eating out late at night at cream bistro at pacific plaza, hanging around at palais renaissance; all this and i think "this is THE man i love", but is it truly really? The possiblity that it is not seems to lurk at each corner.
I don't know anymore, but i'm trying, and if it's God's will, there will be more fun adventures, chillout times, shopping etc to be had.
Monday, July 11, 2005
I'm going to camp in a few hours time, and i'm a bit apprehensive about it. It's the 1st time i've been to camps in a v long time and i don't really like the pressure of having all eyes on you. It's not like being in the privacy of your own home where you can do anything you like, cos all the people there are used to you. But i have to learn to relax. Like porpor says that i should not be like godma who worries too much and thinks of a lot of rubbish. In short, "oom duk liun sheong yeh". And so i shall try, but each time i make a little step forward, it seems as though the load of voices come back and back and back, flooding me with their threats that such and such will happen to me if i do such and such, and to combat such thoughts, it takes a lot of energy and willpower, and somehow, as i combat the 1st thought, i start on this slippery slope where i have to combat all the other thoughts that come, and it spirals on and on, getting progressively worse, until i am exhausted.
It's when i touch something, say my leg, and then the word "bad" enters my head, it's as though i'm telling my leg that it is "bad" due to the coincidental association. This frightens me as i am afraid that if my leg thinks it's bad, it'll start to act "bad", and so i try to reject that thought in Jesus' name, and then if i don't end that "rejection" process well, i'll have to redo it, and again the cycle of having to do that gets at me, and by the end, i'm tired, frustrated, worried, and despairing. Tired of all the rubbish i have to do, frustrated that i can't break the cycle, worried that my subconscious would be affected hence affecting the rest of my body, and despaired of the huge mess that came out of it.
I miss joe. Sometimes i get annoyed that he doesn't do things as fast as me, but i must be patient. I have been blessed with an extremely high iq--172-- and i must remember that i must not abuse this gift from God, and being impatient with others. God is patient with me, and His iq is sooooo much higher than mine, so i must be patient with others too.
Then today we had the vt meeting. Again i have to learn to be patient. Must learn to socialise a bit more, step out of the "comfort zone", be more independent. Can't always cling to jo or whatever bigger older smarter person there is down there. I am clingy. An insecure person who just wants to be taken care of and told that everything's gonna be alright. Which is fortunate that I am a Christian cos i know God takes care of me, and He can control anything, and whatever He allows to happen, it's more my own good whether i like it or not, or whether i think so or not at that time. MUST REMEMBER THAT!
Neways, as of this time writing, i miss jo. It feels safe with him, but cannot keep musing on that cos then it might distract my process of "becoming independent".
Neways, am going to muse a bit on clothes and shopping now. Here's a list of brands i like:
1. Vince--- for pants. From what i've read in stylediary.net, and from what i've seen in revolveclothing, their pants look pretty good.
2. Sanctuary--- again for pants and also for their berms. Looks nice, and the fit is great.
3. Joe's jeans--- from the pics i saw at celebritystyleguide, they look pretty cool, especially the rocker in eve, and the socialite.
4. Theory--- but only the preston pants though, the others don't look as sleek or flattering.
5. Seven for all mankind--- their A pocket styles are great, but when i 1st bought their bootcuts, i wasn't too impressed.
6. Citizens of humanity--- i have 3 pairs of them and they are lovely.
7. Rock and republic--- they seem to have nailed the hip factor with their funky pockets and their rocker (duh) vibe.
8. CBGB--- a very cool rock star tee.
9. Marc by marc jacobs, and marc jacobs--- enough said. this genius seems to know just what women want when they want it.
10. Paul smith--- this designer is proof that classiness doesn't mean stodginess or staid.
11. Junkfood--- they have the coolest tee shirt designs.
12. Adriano Goldshmied--- love the fit, but he has some pretty weird washes
13. Topshop--- for nice pieces at nice prices
14. Esprit--- for basics and pants. don't really like tees from there though as they look cheap (though it might not be their fault).
15. Zara--- for looking classy without costing too much, though one has to be wary of the quality and check carefully before buying
16. French connection--- for unique pretty pieces with pretty good fits
17. Gap--- there pieces are subtly trendy and the quality is fair
18. Fox--- tops are soso but bottoms are great
19. Abercrombie--- preppy like me
20. Mango--- this label is a hit and miss, but when they've get it right, they've got it right
21. Petit bateau--- tees with just the right mix of classy and casual
22. Juicy couture--- but only for pants. there's something annoying about their tees and something boring about their jeans. oops.
23. Guess--- for expensive looking handbags
24. Betula--- comfortable flats without the orthopedic look of birkies.
Alright. That's all for now. Time to go sleep. Nights!