Friday, November 26, 2004
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
God take my life. I am no better than my ancestors. Oh God, listen and have mercy. I can't go on so depressed always. And i don't know what's wrong. I just can't seem to get out. And i'm just feeling sucky, and small things just make me flare up. And God, all i want to do is die. Maybe, tmr i will wake up and forget every sad and bad thing. I have been depressed ever since secondary 2. It's been 5 years God, when am i going to get well? I can't seem to get myself out of this, and i don't know what to do. God, i'm so hurt. Pls, pls, just come and give me your peace. I'm sorry for every bad thing i've done and for hurting you. Pls have mercy and heal my mental state. God there are voices in my head, there's ocd to deal w and there's depression. I dunno how to handle it anymore. It's so hard. God, i'm struggling so much just to be happy. You've promised joy to those to keep their faith in you. I've kept my faith in you. Pls God, give me your joy, that i will leave this depression. God, heal me. I beg you.
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Today, i went out shopping! Lovely. Extremely therapeutic. Saw great jeans, pants, jackets, shoes and handbags, and now, all i can think of is my holiday wardrobe--- nice jackets (1 denim w a fur collar, 1 white w a fur collar), black tuxedo pants, cocktail dresses, dark indigo jeans, black jeans, new handbags (this lovely addidas tote and perhaps a more formal furla or ralph lauren handbag), and a pair of sexy heels or pumps! At ralph lauren, they were playing lovely kenny g Christmas carols, and it would be so nice to just walk w joseph to such romantic jazzy tunes, or relax at home with him and a cat and dog with such music in the background, and look at Christmas catalogues, or wrap presents, or write cards, talk, lie down or sleep. If we were in a cold country, could walk down the streets in lovely winter coats--- he can wear a nice long black one, and i can wear either a toggle coat, peacoat, a tweed coat or a coat w a fur collar, and it would either be knee length or longer, depending on what i'm wearing inside. Then joseph can wear a scarf and walk the dog, and i hold on to his other arm. Nice! But in sg, it's good enough also, walking around looking at the Christmas lights, listening to the carols and all. Ooohhhhhh Christmas! Then can go for church and Carols under Candlelight, and can stay up late and go for midnight service, and then hang around at home! If he could get a car, it'll be even better, then he can drive home after service and it'll be more convenient. But since he doesn't, it's ok. I still love him. Darling's special.
Thank you God for the good times so far. Please bless our relationship. Amen.
Monday, November 15, 2004
Haha. So farnie. I was trying to get the blog addy twelvetwentytwo, but it turns out, this other guy took it, and he's a devout Christian! He is "sold out for Christ". So cool! :D
Neways, i got back together with darling. I love him. And it's nice to have him around. Yesterday, i was throwing a tantrum and being sulky after going to darling's house. So as we were going home from his place, he sat me on his lap, held me, and told me everything was going to be fine, and that he loved me, and gave me a lot of "big joe hugs", and it was lovely. I love darling. We got back together yesterday--- a sunday--- in church. During the praise and worship, he asked, "will you be my girlfriend?" and i said yes. He was very happy, and i was too. We had lunch then went home and spent the day there, and at night went over to his place, before going home. I didn't want to take my medicine, and he managed to talk my grandma into letting me not eat it, and though in the end, i did take it so that my grandma would not worry, it was still impressive. We had dinner at my place with my grandma too, and it was nice--- just me, he and por por. Talking and eating, and it was quiet. I like it.
Today, i woke up very tired. Then i thought my teddy was going to kill me. Darling calmed me down and sent me to sleep again. I like clinging on to his arm, tucking my right arm under his arm, and grabbing his left hand w my left hand. I reach up to his chin, and from the side, it looks v nice--- tall lean guy, w a nice long chiselled nose, and sharp features looking ahead, and shorter, young looking girl, grabbing on to him, and looking at the side. It would be a nice photo. Especially if we take it when we're both walking towards park mall after church, and darling walks looking straight ahead, while i walk looking around to see what's there in the shop windows. Darling's v old and matured. He talks old, and walks old, and darling gets tired easily and needs to sit down often when we shop, and also, after i sit on his lap, his knees start to hurt hurt hurt, and they will creak. Hee hee. But darling loves me, so he still lets me sit there. And it feels very comfortable in darling's lap and in his arms, like it was made especially for me me me! Even leaning on his shoulder is comfortable, and i dun have to adjust anything.
It's nice that darling loves me, and can take my childishness and rubbishness. Andrew said that next time, he would leave me at my parent's place so that when he goes to work, my mum and my grandma and maid can take care of me. d said that he would get a maid to take care of me. Darling said that he would rather work from home so that he himself could take care of me. And it would nice he said, he without his shirt typing on his computer, and me lying on his lap, and maybe w a dog and cat nearby. And it's good that darling is a light sleeper so he will wake up when i can't sleep or have nightmares, and heng, his chest is not very hairy. And i like the way he kisses my head, and my hair, and strokes my chin. I've always wanted a guy who would do that, and he did it without my telling him to. And i like darling's nice big hands for holding, and his smooth skin, and his company, and his laugh, and the gentle way he does things, and that he can do almost anything--- drive, fix stuff (whether their computer stuff or non-computer stuff), give good opinions on clothes, carries my handbag (without me asking to), is confident, can train animals (he tamed elmo punk), is sensitive about my health, likes to tuck me to sleep, and wants to bring me to the ZOO! (again, without my telling him to), and has a nice smile and a nice calming voice, and he remembers all the important dates--- like when we 1st met, when we got together etc (some of which i don't even recall), and he likes to talk, and even when we don't talk, it feels comfortable.
I love him.
God, please bless our relationship, and help it to be pure. Amen.