Thursday, February 24, 2005
Am suffering from depression again. Dunno how it started, but am just feeling sad. Abba God, please help!
Today went out with mum and got a lot of nice stuff. Praise God for His providence. Got 1 jeans, 1 twill pants, 1 cotton pants and 1 white tee :D and i picked up the jeans i sent for altering on monday. Mango and zara have lovely stuff this season. Nice! I like the baby doll dress to wear over jeans :D and other lose fitting tops.
I worry that my parents dun like joseph staying here. But he's alright and we don't do anything wrong. I hope they don't mind. Dunno.
Then there's school work and it's cumbersome weight. Have to go to school and get it done tmr. Don't think can concentrate very well at home cause all i want to do is sleep or relax. Hee. For example, today while darling slogged at programming, i curled up next to him listening to jazz and resting. It's a nice position, but not very useful cos wasn't working. But is it all about work? Why am i so tired and rather rest these days?
Father God, please give me the strength that you promised in Isaiah 40:31--- "but those who hope in the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall soar on the wings of eagles, they shall run and not grow weary, they shall walk and not grow faint"! In Jesus' name, i believe you Lord that you will give that to me, and i receive. Thank you Lord! Amen!
Lord, should i take up the offer to intern at catalog magazine? What about social work? And then there's also my own work. Guide me Lord. Please. "For if Your presence is not with us, do not send us up there."--- Exodus 33:15. And Abba God, please please give my daddy a job. I dun know what to do with him being around and so fierce. It scares me. Help.
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Having bipolar is akin to a baby having colic. The uncomfortable dull ache makes you just want to do nothing but cry, and scream, till your lungs are tired and you are out of breath, and all you can do is curl up and sniffle. Things aren't going to well this past week. Last week, i didn't go to school on wednesday and friday, missing out on important lessons eg maths tutorial, 2 anthropology lessons, maths and philosophy lecturers and a whole lot of other stuff. EU studies lecture not counted cos i never go for it anyway.
With bipolar, all i want to do is nothing. Or try to shop away my blues and get presents, or watch tv or surf the net. Spirituall, i'm blah. Dear Abba God, please please sent help fast. I am at my wit's end.
There were high notes, but even then, those seem fleeting compared to the bizarre depths of sadness that i've sunk into. A bumboat ride with jo, a little shopping, going to church together. I look forward to being in church. There, my soul finds respite from the chronic sadness that ails me. And the calmness and sureness of the pastors and team there, together with a strong feeling of and the strong presence of God are a balm to the hurt and ache which has hooked onto me, and isn't coming off.
It's not as though i've not tried. I have. I don't want to be sick either. The ups and downs of bipolar are more disorientating than any roller coaster ride, any boat ride whatever. And it leaves me so shaky and ill, any form of motion sickness seesm negligible compared to this monstrosity that has crept up on me.
In the meantime, the best i can do is pray and wait on the Lord, who in His time, will fix all things for those who love him (a combination of verses here). Also, I trust that He will make perfect all which concerns me (psalms 138:8). His mercy is unending and He WILL NOT forget the work of His hands.
While my abba God is perfect, my earth dad is far from it. And i am very scared of him. And it paralyses. Fears of his shouts, his anger, his blows have left me in a constant state of tense-ness whenever he's at home.
Is there a solution. Abba God, help.
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
Dear Abba God,
Help. I am scared and emotionally of my dad. He keeps shouting and is so fierce and God, I'm just so frightened. I can't take it anymore GOd. I can't take it! Oh God, please, help me.
a very sad, scared and hurt little gail :(
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
Sometimes, i wonder if i regret breaking up with andrew. He did love me, and perhaps, more than any other relationship i've been in. And maybe it's cause we think alike, he treats me in the way i want to be treated, and he knows and understands the subtle nuances of my behaviour, because of 1 simple reason: he does it too. He knows when i'm angry, how i like things done, what sort of things i like, how i express certain things. We are both into fashion, music, are loners yet socialisers. Maybe that's why we've lasted pretty long. We both had high priorities on each other, and low ones on others (although my 1st priority has to be God and is Him). We both shared the same social codes of conduct and we ran things our way. And yet, our similarities were a two-edged sword. They enabled us to understand each other, but yet, our similar negative traits made us intolerant to each other. I may wonder if i made the right choice. But i have to move on.