Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Having bipolar is akin to a baby having colic. The uncomfortable dull ache makes you just want to do nothing but cry, and scream, till your lungs are tired and you are out of breath, and all you can do is curl up and sniffle. Things aren't going to well this past week. Last week, i didn't go to school on wednesday and friday, missing out on important lessons eg maths tutorial, 2 anthropology lessons, maths and philosophy lecturers and a whole lot of other stuff. EU studies lecture not counted cos i never go for it anyway.
With bipolar, all i want to do is nothing. Or try to shop away my blues and get presents, or watch tv or surf the net. Spirituall, i'm blah. Dear Abba God, please please sent help fast. I am at my wit's end.
There were high notes, but even then, those seem fleeting compared to the bizarre depths of sadness that i've sunk into. A bumboat ride with jo, a little shopping, going to church together. I look forward to being in church. There, my soul finds respite from the chronic sadness that ails me. And the calmness and sureness of the pastors and team there, together with a strong feeling of and the strong presence of God are a balm to the hurt and ache which has hooked onto me, and isn't coming off.
It's not as though i've not tried. I have. I don't want to be sick either. The ups and downs of bipolar are more disorientating than any roller coaster ride, any boat ride whatever. And it leaves me so shaky and ill, any form of motion sickness seesm negligible compared to this monstrosity that has crept up on me.
In the meantime, the best i can do is pray and wait on the Lord, who in His time, will fix all things for those who love him (a combination of verses here). Also, I trust that He will make perfect all which concerns me (psalms 138:8). His mercy is unending and He WILL NOT forget the work of His hands.
While my abba God is perfect, my earth dad is far from it. And i am very scared of him. And it paralyses. Fears of his shouts, his anger, his blows have left me in a constant state of tense-ness whenever he's at home.
Is there a solution. Abba God, help.