Sunday, July 24, 2005
It has been ages since i've written here. Today's the 25th of july, and the last time i've posted was the 11th, just before camp, just before the heartbreaks began. And yesterday, i've had another one, feeling extremely cheated and lied to by jo, and i'm now wondering about our relationship. When we got back together after the 1st heartbreak, i had a funny feeling, the sort you get when something doesn't feel too right, and i thought it meant that we weren't supposed to get back together, but then later after consultations, it sorta seemed that going back together was the alright, that it was blessed by God. Now, i'm not so sure.
My dad wants me to break up. He wants me to start "looking around". But i love jo, and i haven't the energies to start playing the field again, plus there's no one i feel like playing with, granted that all the guys i had crushes on, suddenly they stopped being interesting or became seemingly impossible to get along with.
We've started on the relationship workbook recommended to us by pastor daniel, and it seemed like a good place to start, but i wonder if it'll be the end of us, when we've realised that it's impossible for us to be together. Then there's jo's blog, which he's put up at my suggestion, so that i can understand him more, where he's coming from. Jo says that we can work at our relationship--- there's no such thing as meant for each other or not, ours is there for the taking, provided you work for it. I disagree. There are couples who love each other, work on their relationship real hard, and still cmi, and then they think it's the lack of work, but it isn't. It's just them. And i've watched enough movies, true life stories? etc to know that what i've just written about exists.
Jo wrote about freedom in his blog. Does it mean that our relationship is stifling him? Might be. I'm wondering if i'm happy about it anymore. Jo just seems so unhappy about everything, and i dunno how to help. Granted some of it was caused directly by me, but in my defence, it was caused he hurt me so bad--- i had never felt so lied to and cheated--- and i did horrid horrid things, but there are yet others he seems unhappy about that isn't my fault. But there are others that are more subtle, and not caused by me, and he seems unhappy about. The class difference, the western vs chinese culture, the fact that i don't really like his parents. It just comes streaming back to the both of us, and i wonder 1. can all those relationship couselling and help actually eliminate it or lessen it to a huge extent and 2. is it worth all the work, or should i go for someone else that comes from the same background as i do so that getting along isn't so tough.
Min says people usually write in their blog when they're at their saddest, and looking at what i've written so far, it might be true. I went out with her for a classical indian music concert last night. An extremely exerience, with us being 2 of the 3 chinese that I saw throughout the whole thing, and us being the 2 out of those 3 chinese that fell asleep during the concert. Hehehe. And the indian lady next to min GLARED at us. Seriously mdam, we're not insulting the music, if anything, we're applauding it for its soothing ability, a trait so potent that it makes us want to sleep.
As of now, i miss tubby hubby aka scratchymo aka jomo, and i miss the times when we were so happy. Like at borders where when we were reading magazines, i chanced upon the "is he a good boyfriend" test, and asked him aloud "hmm... let's see if you're a good boyfriend", much to the amusement of the lady sitting next to me; those days where we would watch vc/dv ds at my house, those 2 hours wraptured in the movie and in each other's presence; the times where he stays overnight, and we have late night suppers and he's tired whilst i'm still bouncy and full of life; hanging around holland v together, doing huge makan sprees, and him staying overnight; and of course, the many interesting events we do together--- my crashing his nus global education convention dinner, exploring new areas together e.g chip bee gardens, the riverboat ride, eating out late at night at cream bistro at pacific plaza, hanging around at palais renaissance; all this and i think "this is THE man i love", but is it truly really? The possiblity that it is not seems to lurk at each corner.
I don't know anymore, but i'm trying, and if it's God's will, there will be more fun adventures, chillout times, shopping etc to be had.