Monday, July 11, 2005
I'm going to camp in a few hours time, and i'm a bit apprehensive about it. It's the 1st time i've been to camps in a v long time and i don't really like the pressure of having all eyes on you. It's not like being in the privacy of your own home where you can do anything you like, cos all the people there are used to you. But i have to learn to relax. Like porpor says that i should not be like godma who worries too much and thinks of a lot of rubbish. In short, "oom duk liun sheong yeh". And so i shall try, but each time i make a little step forward, it seems as though the load of voices come back and back and back, flooding me with their threats that such and such will happen to me if i do such and such, and to combat such thoughts, it takes a lot of energy and willpower, and somehow, as i combat the 1st thought, i start on this slippery slope where i have to combat all the other thoughts that come, and it spirals on and on, getting progressively worse, until i am exhausted.
It's when i touch something, say my leg, and then the word "bad" enters my head, it's as though i'm telling my leg that it is "bad" due to the coincidental association. This frightens me as i am afraid that if my leg thinks it's bad, it'll start to act "bad", and so i try to reject that thought in Jesus' name, and then if i don't end that "rejection" process well, i'll have to redo it, and again the cycle of having to do that gets at me, and by the end, i'm tired, frustrated, worried, and despairing. Tired of all the rubbish i have to do, frustrated that i can't break the cycle, worried that my subconscious would be affected hence affecting the rest of my body, and despaired of the huge mess that came out of it.
I miss joe. Sometimes i get annoyed that he doesn't do things as fast as me, but i must be patient. I have been blessed with an extremely high iq--172-- and i must remember that i must not abuse this gift from God, and being impatient with others. God is patient with me, and His iq is sooooo much higher than mine, so i must be patient with others too.
Then today we had the vt meeting. Again i have to learn to be patient. Must learn to socialise a bit more, step out of the "comfort zone", be more independent. Can't always cling to jo or whatever bigger older smarter person there is down there. I am clingy. An insecure person who just wants to be taken care of and told that everything's gonna be alright. Which is fortunate that I am a Christian cos i know God takes care of me, and He can control anything, and whatever He allows to happen, it's more my own good whether i like it or not, or whether i think so or not at that time. MUST REMEMBER THAT!
Neways, as of this time writing, i miss jo. It feels safe with him, but cannot keep musing on that cos then it might distract my process of "becoming independent".
Neways, am going to muse a bit on clothes and shopping now. Here's a list of brands i like:
1. Vince--- for pants. From what i've read in stylediary.net, and from what i've seen in revolveclothing, their pants look pretty good.
2. Sanctuary--- again for pants and also for their berms. Looks nice, and the fit is great.
3. Joe's jeans--- from the pics i saw at celebritystyleguide, they look pretty cool, especially the rocker in eve, and the socialite.
4. Theory--- but only the preston pants though, the others don't look as sleek or flattering.
5. Seven for all mankind--- their A pocket styles are great, but when i 1st bought their bootcuts, i wasn't too impressed.
6. Citizens of humanity--- i have 3 pairs of them and they are lovely.
7. Rock and republic--- they seem to have nailed the hip factor with their funky pockets and their rocker (duh) vibe.
8. CBGB--- a very cool rock star tee.
9. Marc by marc jacobs, and marc jacobs--- enough said. this genius seems to know just what women want when they want it.
10. Paul smith--- this designer is proof that classiness doesn't mean stodginess or staid.
11. Junkfood--- they have the coolest tee shirt designs.
12. Adriano Goldshmied--- love the fit, but he has some pretty weird washes
13. Topshop--- for nice pieces at nice prices
14. Esprit--- for basics and pants. don't really like tees from there though as they look cheap (though it might not be their fault).
15. Zara--- for looking classy without costing too much, though one has to be wary of the quality and check carefully before buying
16. French connection--- for unique pretty pieces with pretty good fits
17. Gap--- there pieces are subtly trendy and the quality is fair
18. Fox--- tops are soso but bottoms are great
19. Abercrombie--- preppy like me
20. Mango--- this label is a hit and miss, but when they've get it right, they've got it right
21. Petit bateau--- tees with just the right mix of classy and casual
22. Juicy couture--- but only for pants. there's something annoying about their tees and something boring about their jeans. oops.
23. Guess--- for expensive looking handbags
24. Betula--- comfortable flats without the orthopedic look of birkies.
Alright. That's all for now. Time to go sleep. Nights!