Why is it so hard for people to accept my differences. That i dont want to have kids next time, that i want to get married and just hang out with my husband, that i do like maths even though i am taking history as my major, that i think philosophy is fun, that i like staying up late at night, that i like fashion a lot but that doesn't mean i'm a bimbo, that i like cats A LOT and i really want cats. Am i that strange? I think gail it's time to 1. change your name 2. disappear. I have been attracting a lot of unwanted attention, and maybe it's good that i hide for a while, like my sis. I really would love to be married and just not have kids, and i dunno why people keep making such a fuss about it, judging me like i'm some sort of anamoly or wicked person... auntie may, rooney, aunty waihar... only my granny thinks it's alright. I miss my granny. I miss talking to her late at night. Now i'm scared God will deliberately make it His will that i will have kids. Like how my life has been such a joke. Now i'm learning--- NEVER TRUST ANYONE.

sh, andrew, dw, j, and the ns and r, n sometimes even though he has been an angel. What is it with men? I remember the love michelle gave. Her and hui li. A simple darling sort of love. The time hl fed me and giggled. I still remember the rush in my heart when i met her during linear algebra class after so long. Wanted to ask her if she was attached. maybe we could get together. fuck right--- lesbianism. but love then wasnt hard, though w michelle things got complicated when i got jealous that she loved her bf. i think i should just stay single my whole life. like n. i feel i cant trust God anymore. i'm v scared that He will make me have kids. i know the stuff that's repeated and repeated about how His will is the best, but i really dont want to hvae kids. God do you mind that? do you even have to bend that such that i will have to have kids? God are you that unkind? the sad thing is, i dunno anymore. too many hard things have come into my life. i know i'm blessed with a lot, but there were a lot of hurts too, and they just keep coming and coming. how come no break one? i'm tired :(

i've become v jaded. hating a lot of pple. "i'm the only cause i believe in"--- rick from casablanca. yeah, but w thoughts of suicide filing past my mind ever so often, maybe i dont even believe in my cause. i hope my shoulders are wider than my hips. now for me, religion has become this heavy heavy burden, and i dont even want to be close to God cos if He's so strict and mean and will make me have kids, i dont want anyitng to do with Him. but i dont want to go to the devil also, so then i rather stay with God. but surely there's a greater reason for being with Him. i'm just so jaded and heartbroken. maybe this was what happened to n, or to gabriel. the hurt was too great? God where are you? What are you? Will you force me to have kids?

disappointed with a lot of things. cried after reading mhm's emails. i wish i had n or j to hug, but they're not there. maybe i did make a huge mistake breaking up w jo, cos n did play a pull factor. and i couldnt stop thinknig about him. but then it might be better to be single. i need to learn to love being alone. i want to love being alone. cos i dont judge myself, and i'm sick of being singled out and judged by pple. for that reason i dont speak up in class anymore, cos i'm sick of pple always saying that i'm strange or wrong, and then mhm thought i was being uninitiave. wtf. a lot of pple didnt speak up either, and i did point out stuff and ask questions. i feel that pple put a double standard on me, and i pointed it out to jo, and i am right. last time also during maths class when i was pri 5 i got scolded for something i didnt do and she just singled me out liddat saying that just cos i 2nd-topped the maths cohort that i was too proud. I DIDN'T DO FUCK LAH. i seriosuly didnt do anything! i didnt okayyyyyyyyy!

fuck

okay, i'm turning really potty mouth. tmr will duct-tape my mouth then. maybe i should stop talking to pple. need to see dr sim? or auntie pussim? scared that dr sim will just feed me pills, but talking to her is always so good. dont dare take the new schizo pill cos scared that will get fat like during jc liddat. that was such a horrid period--- imagine being thin and suddenly becoming so fat! scary man.

Test results:

The Mentor and the Protégé is a romantic pattern that's about more than love for love's sake. In it, love grows out of deeper need to learn and understand other aspects of your life through the teachings of someone else.

But, here's the recurring pattern you may see in your relationships: Love isn't the only thing you're after.

You want power, success, attention, maybe even fame. You want to be recognized, doted on, and adored for your talents. And the object of your desire is the person best suited to provide you with these things — a boss, a mentor, a teacher, or a troubled genius.

Similarly, the object of your affection can take the place of an absent parent or role model, providing security and nurturance. Whatever the reason, you're likely to feel a boost to your self-image when you're with this person.

Just as this romantic pattern overpowers you, you might wish to be overpowered by someone stronger, wiser, and more accomplished than yourself. Your romantic pattern starts out innocently enough. Did you recently take a job working for an amazing boss? Has a teacher or mentor taken a special interest in your work? Maybe a long-time family friend stopped by for a visit, and revealed a fascinating side you've never seen before. The attention this person gives you is just what you're craving. From there, it's not a huge leap to falling in love.

In "My Fair Lady" a bet to train a poor woman in the ways of high society blossoms into romance. An older gent tumbles head over heels for a much younger woman in "Gigi." When secretary Tess McGill (played by Melanie Griffith) finds out her boss has stolen her idea in the movie "Working Girl," she gets revenge not only by taking her boss's place but stealing her beau. Bridget Jones has an affair with her boss, and in "The Graduate" Benjamin Braddock is sleeping with the wife of his father's boss. Sometimes these affairs work out; sometimes they don't. But the familiarity of this classic pattern itself is what brings them to life. You undoubtedly have seen yourself in some of these entertainments

I think i knew that already.

one day, i will slit my wrists, and smash myself against the wall and paint it with my blood. i would have smashed my head if it wasn't the fact that i dont want to get brain damage if i do survive. other comforting thoughts: having a gun pointed at me. for some reason, everytime i'm scared, i imagine the gun pointing at me, or being hung at the neck, or having my head chopped off, and then i calm down. esp the gun one. v calming. puts things into perspective. somehow i wonder if it's cos i thrive on adrenaline?

learning to cope with caffiene and cigarettes. one day will make sure that i can survive on just the both. will try to get a method of distilling the caffiene out and injecting it into my bloodstream direct. add that together w a nice long drag in a quiet breezy consider. bliss?

gail why are you so self-destructive?

i would love to change my name. just have a chinese name so i dont stand out so much. or a v basic english name like alanis. "there is a 'gail' in the word 'darling'". yeah but to think of it, there is a 'gail' in 'failing' also. i hate my name. i dont like my chinese name either. when can i change it? just dont feel part of it. strange. since young i've never liked it.

would love to be part of a girlband--- late nights, bright lights, shopping, music and girlfriends! :)

pple blog more when they're sad.
- posted by gail @ 2:01 PM